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Secret Message in AUB Student Handbook

November 10, 2010
 

Student Handbook Front
Student after spending ONE semester at AUBThe

 

AUB official color is red. That is no coincidence if you see the hidden messages that are placed in this year’s AUB student Handbook. “We are not sure who sent the pictures but all we know was that it came from a higher athority and we had to do whatever we are told…. I woudn’t pass my courses if I said no!” Explains a student Graphic Designer in the work/study/fail program. She worked on the student handbook. This is one of the many Work/Study/Fail cases that are found everywhere on our campus. The concept of WSF is the fact that students work, study very powerfully but end up failing their course.

“It’s crazy, but I like it.”

Said the Dean of Student Handbooks, durring our interview last week. He told the Oval that the color green was chosen because nature is green and it’s important. However, no coment was given after the Oval asked if it had any similarities to the official colors of LAU, the Lebanese American University.

  

  

  

  

“Yes! It does look like it a lot! But no.” 

 

Said another WSF Graphic design student that worked  on the student handbook when comparing the poster of “The Exorcism of Emilie Rose” and the front page of the student handbook. However, there was no evidence of any link between both of these images. The WSF Graphic Design student could not be found after he gave the Oval that statement. If you ever find a Graphic Design student with blood shot eyes, and black pants and tshirt, please send an email to btgreenoval@gmail.com…. (He might be haunted).Left: Before ONE semester at AUB. Right: After ONE semester at AUBThe most intriguing hidden message that you can find in the handbook is the comparison between the back and front cover.

Left: Before ONE semester at AUB. Right: After ONE semester at AUB

On the back, you can see a lovely new and fresh LAU student that just transfered to AUB. She is on her way to her first Math Class in Lower Campus, she is already 15 minutes late.

On the front cover, you can see the same LAU student after spending one Semester at AUB. She is sporting the latest Abou Naji Coffee and Exam Previouses of this season. She is going back to Jafet to continue studying. The picture was taken on a Saturday morning.

Good luck little ones, and may exams keep you up all night 😉

“Hey, New Tuition!” – President Dorman

October 29, 2010

In his recent email President Dorman spoke about cool stuff. He mentioned the cafeteria, cute IC students jumping around the Green Field and that it was philanthropic.

President Dormen

The Man with the Plan

He also said that there is a “plan”. A “plan” to BRAND AUB, to make it more… Let’s say, cool. Very much like GAP’s attempt.

And very casually, he also mentioned the “plan” to increase tuition. The same one that AUB students rallied to stop last year. However, this year, Dormen has chosen a more tactical was of doing it.

1) it will be implemented in November

= students will be too busy studying or sitting for their exams.

2) new cafeteria is open

= students will be too busy eating and playing poker.

3) new website is online

= students will be too busy browsing and “making gifts”.

4) aub’s first sex column is out in outlook

= students will be too busy thinking about sex.

Thus the Green Oval would like to ask the Student Representative Council the question: what are we going to do now?

Actually, Elias is doing something, we are not sure what he is doing, but it’s something. Anyway and more importantly,

Dear Students and Faculty,

Are we going to do something or what?

Sincerly,

Oval

AUB Student Council Lobby for Absinthe on Campus

October 21, 2010
Six
Six Degrees Beverage

Absinthe is a highly alcoholic (70%) drinkable liquid that gives you wings and students all across faculties at AUB have found that it is important to have such a beverage in the New and Improved American Corporation Style Globalized Cafeteria.  In fact, it is so important for student life and academic advancement that the Student Council has created a lobby to push forward the proposal of having Absinthe on campus in a Student-Friendly bottle or barrel or keg.  The Student Council has been researching and testing the markets all around the world and have found the perfect Absinthe Beverage of Awesomeness. This beverage is called SIX DEGREES.

Six and all its friends

Six Degrees is a bottled 18% Absinthe based beverage.  The Student Council have tested the product and found out that only two bottles can give AUB students the needed academic advancement needed. The testing procedure was done on campus in an undisclosed house study group.

“Results have been of supreme efficiency. It’s the perfect combination of Academic Advancement, Absinthe and love…[…]”, said a member of the Student Council, however, the member was no longer available after he drank the third Six Degrees Beverage.

In the official proposal that is sent to the AUB Alcohol Acquirement Committee, there were five main argument:

1) Absinthe is a liquid substance that contain many nutritional benefits and is mentioned in the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights,

2) As such, Absinthe is an essential Human Right,

3) Absinthe will enhance student’s bodily and mind functions, in effect, AUB will perform more effectively in academia.

4) Absinthe will bring closer, hence AUB will enjoy a vibrant social, multi-cultural and efficient experience

5) Students want it really bad and if they don’t get it, they will boycott

classes.

For more information about Six Degrees, feel free to contact their Official Officer at sherif@sixdegreesbev.com.

Intruders # 1: Will the real AUB please stand up?

September 9, 2010

In an attempt to conserve the real identity of  AUB, and staying true to Wisdom and Honer, we here, Behind the Green Oval have searched the World Wide Web and have uncovered MILLIONS and MILLIONS of fraudulant and fake organizations that breach the originality and cool of our beloved AUB. Thus forth we bestow upon you Article #22 of the Book of Wisdom and Honer at AUB that you can find in Jafet: This Article #22 clearly explains the importance of the real AUB, to stand up and throw dust upon the faces of all the other AUBs that are just imitating. Here is a series of some of intruders that are out there in the Internet, spreading their messages, living their lives, lies, and damaging AUB’s website hits. “These things out there, that dare to to call themselves AUB… They are NOT AUB. And one day, we shall conquer these infidels and nothing will stop us from total world domination” explained an AUB official.

Intruder NUMBA’ 1: Asia United Bank – http://www.aub.com

AUB Alumni Sues Cat for Sexual Harassment

August 20, 2010
Cat Engaging in Sexual Harassing

Victim being stalked by cat while consuming her daily tawouk sandwitch

An AUB Alumni has recently instituted a proceeding against a cat in AUB. The Alumni who chose to be anonymous explains that this cat has engaged in stalking and harassing the Victim every time she comes to AUB. The Victim could no longer enjoy having her well deserved King of Tawouk sandwich and read because of the cat. “I can’t stand it anymore. I tried everything. I even begged him to leave me alone but he didn’t.” Explains the Victim.

According to AUB’s Bill of Rights, “One may not inflict pain, ridicule or endanger any cat on AUB soil”. This is why the cat has a chance to win this case. According to our lawyer Ahmad Oval, “if so called cat presents eye witnesses, human or non-human, testifying that so called AUB Alumni hereof has really thrown a piece of chicken in the direction of the cat in violent intentions, then by AUB Law, the AUB Alumni will be no longer allowed to enter the campus and will be stripped from the title Alumni and will be called ‘person’.”

“Meow, meow meow meow! Bikhh!”


Proclaimed cat, representing the syndicate of cats at aub – Cats@AUB, at a press conference held in the old smoking section at West Hall. “Meow meow… Meowwwwww.. MEOW MEOW”. Our lawyer Ahmad Oval explains that although the language divide might be a problem, it will not stop AUB from going through the case. “The Cats@AUB lobby is very strong in AUB. We had many cases where students were kicked out of AUB because of court cases that were pushed through. AUB has shown a strong inclination towards cats, providing them with a safe haven, away from DogsOnTheStreets.”

“Cats are important to the sustainability of a diverse student body.”

That is the only statement we received from the Office of Cats and Other Wildlife, showing that the era of the cat is not likely to end any time soon. This is similar to what happened in the AU of Egypt during the times of the Pharaohs.  At the time, every AU classe had to have a gold statue of a cat as shown in the picture below.

Also, please beware of areas where the following poster have been placed. The Cats@AUB has put up these pictures to show the areas where students and alumni should not approach. We suspect that they are breeding grounds.

AUB Launches New Website While Cafeteria Still Under Construction

August 18, 2010

Ladies and Gentelmen,

Today is a great day for everyone. Our beloved AU has finally, finally launched a NEW, IMPROVED, PROFESSIONAL and BETTER-LOOKING-THAN-LAU website!

Can you imagine? Not having to bookmark moodle so that you don’t see those ugly pre-historic side bars. Not having to face that ‘AUB Bulletin’ pop-up. Not having to feel like a loser every time you see those beautiful pictures of someone hanging around west hall or casually walking around campus while you have to stay in Jafet and study for your CS course off of slides you printed out which took you more time to print than to actually read.

We’re kidding. You still have to face that.

But it looks nicer than http://www.lau.edu.lb

‘Life is good’

One AUB official proclaims while clicking around the website. ‘Now AUB has gone digital in this digital world, no one can stand between us and global world domination’. In fact, AUB actually has really gone digital, so digital that it sports a:

1-Twitter Account: if you want to ‘follow” AUB… if you know what I mean 😉

3-Facebook Page: if you want to ‘Like’ AUB… if you know what I mean 😉

2-Flicker Account: if you want to see The Magnificent All-Mighty Green Oval from a different angle.

4-Youtube Channel: if you want to watch President Dorman give that powerful speech just one more time.

‘Success is imminent’ explains an AUB official pointing at the 26 followers they have on twitter. Which is 4,577,778 followers less than Justin Bieber.  They also have 126 ‘Likes’ on facebook… which is 14,213 ‘Likes’ less than Zaatar w Zeit. Regardless, the new website will provide AUB with a new way to get money from people for a very simple reason:

There is a ‘MAKE A GIFT’ button on every page of the website. SO, whenever you are reading the About Us page…. MAKE A GIFT.

If you are almost going to click AUBsis…. MAKE A GIFT.

If you are checking your Imail… MAKE A GIFT.

If you are downloading an online transfer application…. MAKE A GIFT.

If you are stalking your professor’s infopage…. MAKE A GIFT.

If you are happy and you know it…. MAKE A GIFT.

Oh and by ze way, AUB’s cafeteria is now a year late. Happy Anniversary!

And by ze by ze way, AUB’s website is http://www.aub.edu.lb 😉

AUB Faculty and Staff Protest – Free Gaza

June 13, 2010

Faculty Takes The Lead – Protest Condemning the Israeli Aggression