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AUB Alumni Sues Cat for Sexual Harassment

August 20, 2010
Cat Engaging in Sexual Harassing

Victim being stalked by cat while consuming her daily tawouk sandwitch

An AUB Alumni has recently instituted a proceeding against a cat in AUB. The Alumni who chose to be anonymous explains that this cat has engaged in stalking and harassing the Victim every time she comes to AUB. The Victim could no longer enjoy having her well deserved King of Tawouk sandwich and read because of the cat. “I can’t stand it anymore. I tried everything. I even begged him to leave me alone but he didn’t.” Explains the Victim.

According to AUB’s Bill of Rights, “One may not inflict pain, ridicule or endanger any cat on AUB soil”. This is why the cat has a chance to win this case. According to our lawyer Ahmad Oval, “if so called cat presents eye witnesses, human or non-human, testifying that so called AUB Alumni hereof has really thrown a piece of chicken in the direction of the cat in violent intentions, then by AUB Law, the AUB Alumni will be no longer allowed to enter the campus and will be stripped from the title Alumni and will be called ‘person’.”

“Meow, meow meow meow! Bikhh!”

Proclaimed cat, representing the syndicate of cats at aub – Cats@AUB, at a press conference held in the old smoking section at West Hall. “Meow meow… Meowwwwww.. MEOW MEOW”. Our lawyer Ahmad Oval explains that although the language divide might be a problem, it will not stop AUB from going through the case. “The Cats@AUB lobby is very strong in AUB. We had many cases where students were kicked out of AUB because of court cases that were pushed through. AUB has shown a strong inclination towards cats, providing them with a safe haven, away from DogsOnTheStreets.”

“Cats are important to the sustainability of a diverse student body.”

That is the only statement we received from the Office of Cats and Other Wildlife, showing that the era of the cat is not likely to end any time soon. This is similar to what happened in the AU of Egypt during the times of the Pharaohs.  At the time, every AU classe had to have a gold statue of a cat as shown in the picture below.

Also, please beware of areas where the following poster have been placed. The Cats@AUB has put up these pictures to show the areas where students and alumni should not approach. We suspect that they are breeding grounds.

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